Love

Love is a word that crosses my mind a lot these days. But recently, I have been thinking about it hard. With everything that has been going on, I started to care less about it. But starting a few days ago, it started to come back to me again. I know I have a lot of maintenence and I have a lot of requirements, you could say, but that doesn't stop me from hoping. I know I really shouldn't be as extreme, but I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I thought about it over the past few days, and I realized I just need to go balls out on this. I'm a very shy person and its hard for me to meet people and talk to people face to face. Usually, I have friends help me out, but its really selfish of me to do that. It's just really hard for me to do that.

It's been a while since I've been on a date. I'm really looking forward to having my "knight in shining armor" one day. I can't wait for it to come. I can't wait to be someone's love, and have it in return. I miss that, and on most days, I feel like there is nobody to share that with me. Not even family. I guess that is just teenage angst. I guess what really brought the thoughts on was a song. Even though its about heartache and breakups, it still got me thinking about relationships and how it seems worth it to go through with one, even if it ends badly. I really need to get the ball rolling on it and compress what I feel about how people should act around me. I don't need to be acting so picky and give them a chance, but I do have physical, emotional, and personal standards for guys. It's just depending. If they are not pleasing to the eye, I wont' pursue them, it's just how it is for anybody. Sometimes, they could be baby-face cute, but sometimes it just turns out to be friendships. Because my dad is not a masculine man, and I think because of that, I have the need to be with a man that has more of a masculine feature to him. I don't know how that chemistry works but I think that's how it goes. I don't know. I just hope one day I make the right decision on someone and stick with them, no matter what.

I'm really looking forward to being able to cuddle with a boy, kiss him, hold hands with him, and do everything that a couple does and make it feel natural. I just hope its soon, because honestly, I don't want to feel lonely anymore.